


How to Shake Hands with a Khelderite

by sidebyside_archivist



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alien Rituals, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-06-01
Updated: 2003-06-01
Packaged: 2020-06-29 20:28:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19837942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidebyside_archivist/pseuds/sidebyside_archivist
Summary: Kirk and Spock must adapt to an unusual custom.





	How to Shake Hands with a Khelderite

**Author's Note:**

> Note from LadyKardasi and Sahviere, the archivists: this story was originally archived at [Side by Side](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Side_by_Side_\(Star_Trek:_TOS_zine\)) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. We tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Side by Side’s collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sidebyside/profile).

Kirk grimaced. Ten minutes to beam-down. There was no avoiding it any longer – he had to tell Spock.

“Er, Spock, before we meet with the Khelderites, there’s something you should know about their, ah, customs.”

“Indeed, Captain?”

“Yes.” Kirk took a deep breath. Spock wasn’t going to like this, he knew, but there was no help for it. “It concerns their rather unusual way of greeting visitors.”

“Indeed. And what is their custom concerning visitors?”

Kirk replied as nonchalantly as possible, “Well, apparently they like to masturbate to orgasm and then ejaculate on the person or people whom they’re greeting. It’s their way of kind of paying homage.”

Spock came to a dead stop in the corridor.

Kirk looked at him, his eyes innocent. “Spock?”

“I fear I must make an appointment with Doctor McCoy, Captain. I have always considered my hearing to be excellent, but it must be failing me. I understood you to say…”

“You heard me right.”

“And –” Spock resumed walking, his hands clasped behind his back. “Are you inferring that they intend to greet you and me in this manner?”

Kirk spread his hands. “Wellll… That’s their way of greeting dignitaries. They consider us dignitaries. And they’re going to greet us. Sooo…”

“I see.” Spock stopped again, and regarded his captain with suspicion. “May I ask how long you have known about this unusual custom, Captain?”

“Um, Admiral Nogura told me a few days ago, when he gave me our orders.”

“So you have been aware of this custom for 3.8 days.” Spock’s eyebrow rose slightly in what Kirk knew was a sign of annoyance. “And you did not inform me until now?”

“I didn’t want to worry you.” They had reached the doors of the transporter room; Kirk turned to his first officer. “While we’re on the subject…”

“Yes?”

“The dignitaries are expected to respond in kind.”

This time both of Spock’s eyebrows shot up. “In kind? Do you mean to say that –”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll, er, handle it. You don’t have to participate. We’ll just tell them you’ve got an old war wound or… or your religion forbids it. It’ll be just fine.” He smiled at Spock in what he hoped was a reassuring manner.

Spock was not mollified. “Sir, I must ask that you excuse me from this duty. Take Doctor McCoy or Mr. Scott, or…”

“Listen, I am not excusing you. I already told you, you don’t have to participate. Just be as polite as possible – you’re very good at that. This is embarrassing for me, too, you know. And if you think I’m going to just whip it out in front of anyone who I think will laugh about it later, you’re nuts. I know you won’t ever say anything about it - that’s why I’m bringing you. And that’s final.” With that, he strode determinedly onto the transporter platform, with Spock reluctantly in tow.

There was a small mob of Khelderites gathered at the beam-down site. Kirk bit his lip. He had hoped for fewer onlookers, and definitely for fewer potential greeters. Oh well. He forced a smile as a tall, blue, slightly globular humanoid came forward. “Captain Kirk,” he said in a surprisingly melodic voice. “I am Precept Ilni. Welcome to Khelder X. And you must be First Officer Spock. You honor us with your presence.” He beamed, exposing orange teeth that were roughly the size of cabinet knobs.

The crowd maintained a respectful silence as Precept Ilni drew back his bright green cloak. He was nude underneath. Of course, Kirk thought. The better to greet people. But what the hell was he going to use? Scanning Ilni’s torso produced not a clue; everything was smooth except for an occasional glob. And none of them looked sexual at all. Until…

Precept Ilni’s smile grew even wider as one of the torso globs suddenly opened, producing a long, flexible appendage that was similar in shape to a terran earthworm. Only it was bright blue and about a foot long.

Ilni stood in front of them, waving the giant earthworm about, beaming, apparently expecting some kind of comment. Kirk risked a glance at Spock. The Vulcan stood rooted to the spot, eyes fastened on the earthworm with a sort of fascinated horror. No help in that quarter, Kirk thought. He cleared his throat. “Ah, your… sexual organ is most pleasing to the eye, Precept Ilni. You do us great honor by displaying it to us.”

Ilni’s eyes disappeared as his smile took over his entire face. “The honor is mine, Captain.” And without further ado, he grabbed the earthworm and started to pump it vigorously.

Kirk had to admit – Ilni was a real pro. Within seconds, the earthworm had extended another six inches and had gone completely rigid. The crowd nodded and smiled. They were obviously proud of their leader’s capabilities; several of them leaned forward in anticipation.

Ilni just kept smiling and pumping. After another couple of seconds, he said in a rather formal tone, “Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, I welcome you to Khelder X and annoint you in the manner of our ancient ancestors.” With that, he stroked himself once more and shot a huge load of azure cum out of the earthworm, over the pristine dress uniform shirts of Spock and Kirk.

There weren’t buckets of it – there couldn’t have been. But it certainly seemed like it. And Khelderite jism had a thick, clinging consistency and a sickish sweet smell that were a little hard to warm up to. Kirk tried not to stare down at his dampened shirt. He couldn’t look at Spock at all; something told him if there were walls around to climb, Spock would be crawling up them. He kept the forced smile plastered all over his face as he said, “Your greeting is most, er, bountiful, Precept Ilni, and your kindness much appreciated.” He swallowed a little nervously. The time had come – literally. “Allow me to return your most gracious greeting.” He gestured vaguely toward Spock. “Unfortunately, my first officer’s religion precludes him from participation. I therefore shall, ah, do the honors for both of us.”

Ilni beamed, as did the crowd. An anticipatory silence fell.

Kirk unfastened his pants and took out his cock. Fortunately, he’d had the foresight to envision Spock naked, erect, and sprawled on his bed. The fantasy had the same effect it always did; in spite of the unpleasantness of being covered in Khelderite cum, Kirk was hard. Whatever gets me through this, Kirk thought. What Spock doesn’t know won’t hurt him. He began to stroke himself, looking directly into Ilni’s face but concentrating on the fact that Spock was watching him pleasure himself. That alone was a turn-on. This is gonna work just fine, Kirk thought, and set himself to imagining Spock licking his cock, moving those beautiful lips along the full length of him. Spock kissing him roughly, passionately, sliding his tongue into Kirk’s mouth. Spock on his back, legs spread, begging Kirk to fuck him…

…That did it. With a harsh little gasp, Kirk came, shooting his wet seed all over Ilni’s waiting torso.

Only there were two streams of cum, two wet globs on Ilni. For a moment, Kirk was totally baffled. Then he looked over at Spock, who was holding his own softening cock in his hand. “I converted to a different religion 6.3 days ago,” Spock said, very calmly. “I regret that I forgot to inform you.”

Ilni was so pleased that Kirk feared he was going to orgasm all over again. “Beautifully executed, wondrously synchronized!” he crowed, and turned to the crowd. “Did you see how the Federation has honored us? Both of them at once!”

There was a roar of approval. Apparently, the crowd had seen – and they loved the double handshake.

“Excellent work, Mr. Spock,” Kirk murmured as they both strove to return their penises to their pants with a minimum degree of contact with Ilni’s slick cum.

“Thank you, Captain,” Spock said demurely.

Ilni interrupted them. His eyes still were arched slits from smiling. “Come, honored guests. We will witness the Council’s vote for Federation membership, then all enjoy a celebratory feast. Follow me, please.”

With that, he proceeded down the street with Kirk and Spock directly behind him and the crowd following. Spock slowed his step to get out of range of Ilni’s hearing. “Captain.”

“Yes?”

“Do they not plan to give us an opportunity to change into clean clothes?”

“It doesn’t look like it. I’d guess that it would be considered a kind of a slam to remove the evidence of the, ah, honor that’s been bestowed upon us.”

“But we shall be…” Spock stopped.

“Yes?”

“We shall be all… crusty,” Spock finished, rather lamely.

Kirk rolled his eyes. Spock’s fastidiousness was highly inconvenient at times. “Listen, I don’t think the IDIC stands for ‘Infinite Disgust at Infinite Crustiness.’ This is the way they do things around here, and we’re just going to have to put up with it for a few hours. When in Rome…”

“Yes, sir,” Spock said. He continued to look contemplative.

Partly to distract him, partly because he really wanted to know, Kirk said quietly, “That really was a pretty impressive performance back there. Would you care to tell me what you were thinking about, that brought you to that state of arousal?”

Spock looked at him, his expression unreadable, except for a rather puzzling glint in his eye. “Would you?” he asked.

Kirk gave a short laugh. “I’m not sure it’s logical to answer a question with a question, Spock.”

“Perhaps,” Spock evaded, “that depends upon the question.”

“Or the answer,” Kirk speculated.

“Perhaps.” Spock kept walking. “It is a strange thing about sexual arousal. It is so intense in some people that at times it may cause them to project their thoughts unknowingly.”

It was Kirk’s turn to be concerned. “You mean, if a person was aroused, and there happened to be a telepath around…?”

“Of course,” Spock added, “close physical proximity would enhance the phenomenon, as would previous telepathic contact between the individuals.”

Kirk was dumbfounded. “Are you trying to tell me that you already _know_ what I was fantasizing about?” Oh, God. He was starting to blush. Damn! “You know what I was fantasizing about, but you won’t tell me what you were thinking. That’s – that’s not fair!” He glared at Spock.

Spock raised his eyebrow. “Apparently, it is acceptable to withhold information if one thinks that information would cause the recipient to worry,” he said blandly.

“So that’s what this is about!” Kirk sputtered. “You’re mad at me because I didn’t tell you about the greeting custom.”

“Vulcans do not get mad, Captain.” Spock’s face was maddeningly serene; the glint in his eyes still present.

“No,” Kirk said dryly. “They get even.” Good God – this was the worst. Spock knew. He knew everything, everything that Kirk had worked these many months to conceal. Now what? He stared at the ground, obsessing and yes, worrying.

Spock looked over at him and suddenly relented. “I had no intention of participating,” he offered. “Then, I looked at you. I sensed your thoughts. And suddenly, I found that…” he looked away, embarrassed. “I found that the sight of you and your thoughts about me made it possible for me to offer Ilni a proper Khelderite greeting. It would not have been logical to waste it.”

Kirk grinned, relieved beyond measure. “No, it wouldn’t have,” he agreed. “And it certainly was a big hit – with all of us.”

They were nearly at the public hall where the vote and the feast would be held. Kirk said rather hurriedly, “So, if it’s illogical to waste an erection, and if I get one when I think about you, and you get one when you think about me, and we haven’t done anything about it…”

“We have not been logical,” concluded Spock.

“So, it seems to me that when we get back to the ship, we should…”

“Make immediate plans to greet each other,” Spock concluded again. “Correction: not immediate.”

“Why not immediate?” Kirk was suddenly very anxious to get back to the ship. “Immediate” sounded just fine to him. “

I shall require about 2.3 minutes to change my shirt,” Spock said firmly.

**Author's Note:**

> Challenge: “Merry Month of Masturbation”.


End file.
